Nevertheless, I can tell you that you will awake someday to find that your life has rushed by at a speed at once impossible and cruel. The most intense moments will seem to have occurred only yesterday and nothing will have erased the pain and pleasure, the impossible intensity of love and its dog-leaping happiness, the bleak blackness of passions unrequited, or unexpressed, or unresolved.
And still the brain continues to yearn, continues to burn, foolishly with desire. My old man’s brain is mocked by a body that still longs to stretch in the sun and form a beautiful shape in someone else’s gaze, to lie under a blue sky and dream of helpless, selfless love, to behold itself, illuminated, in the golden light of another’s eyes.
I had another driving lesson today. My father was convinced that I could finally get out of the neighborhood and drive on a 50mph road. (I know, finally!) He was smart and started me out with a small neighborhood that eased into a 45 into a 50. When he told me to turn into the big, scary, fast road I thought I was going to have one of those moments where I thought I would panic, scream, let go of the wheel and just start crying. But that was all in my head; in reality I was so calm and collect. It felt nice, driving during sunset (except for the occasional sun-in-the-eye-can’t-see-anything-i’m-gonna hit-a-car!). I felt so young and so old at the same time. In a way driving is going to be the first step to my independence (which is so long overdue. And no, living in an apartment doesn’t really count- after what happened I felt like I went one step forward, and two steps back, really).
I don’t know, I just feel really content at the moment. :)
I was so excited and confident when me and my dad were doing driving lessons today. But I messed up the first time, and then messed up the hour that followed that first time. I absolutely hate backing up the driveway, and pedestrians, especially boys on bicycles, and cars behind, and ohmygod what a horrible day.
Certain issues, you will choose to remain discrete through limitations. This is a blog, and we as a whole want some sort of judgement because it is public. It it were otherwise, we’d have solely a journal, or another sort of private establishment. We are our true selves when no one, not a single soul is watching.
I rode my bike around the back streets of our little neighborhood with my brother trailing behind me and the sun setting and the air slipping off of my skin like a soft secret the whole entire earth was trying to tell me
It feels like the fall of a childhood that is so far behind me now
I came home and the flow of air was gone and there was a stifling sadness through the receiver of my telephone and I am an adult and I should be able to handle all of this